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20 July 2009 @ 07:25 pm

Captain Awesome reporting for duty!

I had been contemplating ending this for good, or just deleting it. But today I have a reason for it to exist, so here I am.

This week marks a big change in my life, because it's time for that inevitable career change!
I've told the company I work for that i'm leaving, although I don't know if they realise Friday is my last day...nor do I care if they know either.

The last 6 months have been a real wake up call. I've seen them and myself in a whole new light. I honestly felt like a colleague and an equal only to find out that I was the back up, equivalent to the free salad with your steak. You eat it in those instances where you're still hungry, but meh it can and will sit on the side of your plate unnoticated the majority of the time.
It's not been nice really as i've just neared explosion with frustration and annoyance at them and the whole situation. I basically just threw the towel in a few weeks back and am gutting out my final few bookings, even though it's proving to be a real tough challenge as certain people's attitudes are really testing my patience. Today really took the cake as no-one even bothered to tell me what time to be at work. I really wish I hadn't bothered asking Emma because then they would have only had themselves to blame when I didn't show. But they let Em know, so why not me? Saladtastic. Then when I did get in I copped a real cold shoulder filled attitude off one of them and i'm still not clear on why that is.

I'd like to say I don't care but quite obviously I do. The fact is, i've been extremely loyal and dedicated to them only to be pushed out and brushed aside with a silent fart of acknowledgement. So to get this treatment after all these years of hard work is such a slap in the face.

To be honest, now is the time to go. I'm ready, i'm wanting to get away and am doing so before I forget what I loved about the job entirely.

It's just such a shame that when people's egos grow, their regard for other people and their feelings disappears.

I've thought about confronting them all on this but frankly, I can't be bothered. I know i'm not feeling this alone because other people can see it and in one case, another person feels exactly the same.

I feel disappointed more than anything.

Oh well, onwards and upwards. Leaving them behind is exactly what I need. I really think that where ever I end up will be a whole load better than where i'm at now.

Life otherwise is ticking along.
Been with Andrew for the best part of two years now which is mental. I love that when the butterfly stage calmed as it inevitably does, it was replaced with is something that's pretty bloody similar. I won't even start gushing about him because i'll be here all day.

Anyhow, I was really just doing this to have a vent and that's done so off I fly

Current Mood:

irritated

Current Music: Landing In London - 3 Doors Down

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22 March 2009 @ 11:38 pm

How do you know if you're a good person?

I mean the answer most people would give without thinking is yes... but are you really?

I've heard that question posed a couple of times over the last few days and as with above, my immediate answer was 'I am, yes'.

Then I thought about it.

I mean sure, I try to do right by people. I love my friends and I try to be there for them as much as I can. I would say that the way I live my life doesn't really affect or hurt anyone else.

But I had a read through some of this journals archive the other night and I came away less sure. I've done some pretty dickish things now and again.
There are tirades against people who didn't really deserve it because for whatever reason, I felt that I was on some moral pedestal - I really wasn't. Sometimes so much so that I was a flat out hypocrite.
There's times when I would be so ridiculously self involved that it is insane how I believed I was more mature than others. Honestly, I could be a self righteous, obnoxious little cock. How's that for hindsight? Hehe.

Just a couple of examples off the top of my head, without going into the gruesome specifics or listing some of the worst ones (Out of respect for those involved and more honestly than that, shame). Do I just chalk them up to youth and naivity, or should they be considered? Surely they should?

Granted, compared to some people i've been pretty nice. But do you judge how good of a person you are by how good others aren't?

I don't do this to beat myself up and i'm not suggesting that I be punished eternally for making mistakes because we all make enough of them...I just wanted to think out loud about what does and doesn't make up a good person.

I'm not sure what's brought it on. The birthday that's arriving in a few minutes or that I read over some of this the other night and was saddened by some of the things I found: Things i'd forgotton and perhaps should have continued to.

Or maybe not, actually. I don't really look to the past for a way forward like I used to, because I realise that the now is where you really find the answers. But perhaps it's not a bad thing now and then to remember some things and consider that no matter good of a person you might think you are, there's nearly always evidence to the contrary. Maybe it remind one that you may not be as 'good' as you would immediately answer when questioned.

Or perhaps it just reminds you that you're human and far from perfect.

There's not really a point to this ramble as such. I just got to thinking and felt like I needed to type it out. Who knows? In 8-9 years time I may stumble upon this in the same way that I did the rest and have something to say about that.

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20 March 2009 @ 11:13 pm

Reminder to self:

Next time you decide to read some old stuff on here to pass the time...

DON'T FUCKING DO IT!

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12 February 2009 @ 08:19 pm

Ramble/Rant time

When will people realise that maturity and depth are natural? When are they going to get that forcing such things makes you look utterly pretentious and as idiotic as those they are trying to distance themselves from? If you are a noteably deep person you are and if you aren't, tough tits. This constant attempt to generate the appearance of such a thing in my opinion makes people worse than the 'lower beings' they are trying to prove superiority to.

I realise that at first glance, ranting about these things may make me appear like i'm in the same vicinity, but the thing is I would much rather be seen as a saft, random silly 'un than feel this constant need to try and prove to people that i'm mature and really inciteful.

Real incite is like real maturity. It's knowing when it is called for, applying it as such and not beating people over the head with what poor imitation you can muster. Because frankly, the result leaves you one inredibly soulless, passionless bore of a mess.

I have spoken. Now I am off to pretend i'm a photography enthusiast, literature loving, humourless moron

:)

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10 January 2009 @ 06:53 pm

Woooooooo!
Don't you just love that post gig feeling? I mean, it's a day on from Edguy now, but i'm still floating around.
They are so fucking good live, i'm really happy I got to see them - They're coming back in the summer too :D

I knew they were a good interactive band, but Tobias is absolutely hilarious! He had me in stitches all night. You can forgive the occasional lyric forgetting when he's that good :p

I can see i'm going to be living in my band t-shirt for a while!

You really can't beat the feeling it gives you! I think it's where i'm at my happiest - With Andrew and mates at a gig, having a drink and rocking out. Perfection.

Even better when Edguy finish playing, you walk into the next room and Symphony X is blasting out the speakers! Wooo!

So now I have seen Queensryche, Edguy, Symphony X and Blind Guardian. All my favourite bands!
I wouldn't see 'Ryche again now, I don't think. They were brilliant the first time, but I thought they were a bit of a let down the second, now that Tate's voice is fucked. Symphony X and Edguy i'd be there with bells on and pay good money to do so!

Not up to much this weekend, mostly on the come down and trying to recover from my demon hangover (I was a teeeeeeensy bit pissed up last night hehe)

I started writing again the other day! I just got this wave off creativity and got right down to it - A wave that seems to be holding too, because i've began to get some brilliant ideas going again and i'm actually getting them down!
Also, Tobias is totally getting ripped off in a scene at some point. He goes: 'No, you guys don't get to sing the last ooh, I do. No, really, i'm singing it, not you...SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS IS MY GIG AND I SING THE LAST OOH...okay, right...*sings a really shitty two second ooh*, THANK YOU! THANK YOU!'

Okay, i'm going to go eat otherwise i'll sit around gushing all night.

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Current Music: Nine Lives - Edguy

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02 January 2009 @ 12:48 pm

You know what's becoming the worst kind of addiction? Facebook.
I know, you'd think with me it'd be alcohol, spending money or Buffy...

I was just about to update my status and I thought: 'A year or two ago I would've written a Livejournal entry/channelled into a scene idea this particular thing'
Now it gets summed up and discarded in the space of a short line. That's a pretty bad habit to be in!
That should be another resolution I think. To not fall into the trap of one linerising my every thought...and not to fall into the old trap of 85-linerising every thought :p
A nice happy medium methinks.

That is all.

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Current Music: Speedhoven - Edguy

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31 December 2008 @ 11:39 am

It's been so long since I wrote one of these. Truth be told, I tend to forget this is even here these days. However, beings as it's New Years eve and I always write an entry, here I am.

It's like some sort of tradition come New Year that we all get a little reflective. I suppose at least it's a worthwhile tradition, unlike holding hands at midnight and singing that stupid fucking song :p

I had my little reflective moment last night, so I doubt this'll be a particularly deep look at the past year...

2008 has been a really good time all in all, so there's little to complain about really.
Work has been so good this year. Possibly the best year i've had from the business. It's actually inspired me to get off my arse and look for work with other company's next year, believe it or not.

I did start a degree and all that, but distance learning and I just don't agree. I don't know if that would change had I gone to an actual university. But the way the OU works, it doesn't work for me. Not enough in the way of practical work and way too much sitting on your arse, reading books worded as pretentiously as possible and then regurgitating it for an absolute cock of a tutor. It's all so sterile and bland. For someone who loves writing, there's nothing worse than being beaten over the head with this style that is totally void of personality. There's no point commiting 4 to 6 years on something that makes me utterly miserable - But then it gives me that age old problem of what DO I do?

You know sometimes you spend so long looking for something that you completely miss the fact that you already have it. I've been working as an actor for a good few years now and each year has been a stronger year than the last. I think i've progressed so much and i've most definitely progressed with how much work I get. So why am I still thinking 'Man, i've got to go to uni! I've got to have a degree!'? Acting makes me happy and there are most definitely people around me who are earning a living out of it, so surely the way forward is to strive for that! I've bogged myself down for a long time with where I should be at a certain age and what I should achieve and i've ignored what I actually have achieved and that i've found myself in a line of work that whilst not the perfect career choice, makes me happy. It's also a field where I can produce something written and get it seen and potentially used. You know...that thing i've been wanting to find for years. Why it's taken me this cocking long to realise this, i'll never know.

I suppose it's got a lot to do with confidence. I know that i'm a much better actor than I was 2 years ago and I feel like i've taken on some more challenging roles that have taken me out of the comfort zone and allowed me to see if I really can do this. I feel a lot more confident now because I found that I can do it.

Dave with the big positive outlook on his work, who woulda thought it? :)

Obviously, I need to learn to drive to really make a go of it, but that's something i've been needing to find a reason to do anyway.

Naturally it must be mentioned that i've seen Symphony X in 2008 - A year made worthwhile in its own right :D
I'm seeing Edguy in the first week on January, so 2009 will be off to all kinds of a rocking start! Finally! It's only taken 4 years to get to see them. Of course, it's going to be hard not to chuck underwear at Tobias...

Things with Andrew are great. Been over a year now, which has just flown by. He's a strange one. I've never met someone so infuriating and irritating in my life...but he somehow manages to make it a cute thing and it baffles me! Hehe, but I do love him, very much so (Ugh public declaration of love, puke :p ).
I love his outlook on life. In the past I have spent a lot of time with people who are rooted in what has happened or what will happen and they all miss the point that it's now we're supposed to be living for. Andrew gets that more than just about anyone i've ever met. We don't sit around like some couples and say 'In a year we'll live together and blah blah' or 'We'll be together forever'. That's what's to come and I don't much want to focus on that, because everything can change in an instant. He believes, as I do in having a hope that something happens, but never taking it as a given. I really, really like living that way. Life's so much more free that way and it allows me to be as laid back as I always wanted to be :)

It's been a weird year with friends. Some are as rock steady as ever, but others you just never really know where you are with them. I don't really understand why I get pushed to the back for a relationship so often? I don't do it. If anything i've been MORE sociable since meeting Andrew. It's a scenario we've all dealt with at one time or another, but it never gets any less annoying. It's currently going on with 2 or 3 people and i'm not sure whether it angers or tires me most. In all cases i've just about given up bothering, even though it still upsets me greatly - Mostly because I know i'm always the one who's there when it goes tits up and is the most supportive when the next one starts. That's even when I know it's the wrong call and other friends have no problem with saying so. I know i'm sounding off and I didn't intend to, but it does really hurt me if i'm totally honest. It's not even like i'm a high maintenance friend. I'm not a moron, I know we all have our lives and it's not like I expect to hear from people and see them every week. The friends i'd call rock steady I don't see all the time. In fact we can go a week or two without even a hello sometimes. But that's ok with me. It's when people can't be arsed to even say a quick hello for months on end. Friends who when they are single become a big part of my life...then just disappear again. Ok, i'm going to stop now. As you can see, i'm a bit raw about that :)

Stuff with Dad seems to have taken a giant step back. We're back to 'oh noes, a gay!'. He let Andrew and I stand outside in the blistering cold to wait an hour for a taxi instead of inviting us in. Even my mother who stays generally neutral went up the wall about it. I said to her earlier in the year in response to hearing 'He just can't accept it' that it's not that he can't, it's that he won't. He won't even slightly make an effort and I think that's what gets me the most. I hate that our relationship has taken this giant step backwards, but whatever. It's him who loses out in the long run. I don't want to change the world, I just want my dad to say hello to my boyfriend or let him come into his house now and then. It's really not a lot to ask for. Oh well, this is something that will always be an issue I reckon.

Hmm what else is there? Ooh, resolutions! These are always fun!
~ DRINK LESS! I know, I know. Unrealistic from the get go. Thing is I will often have the right balance with drinking. I'll only drink once a week and all that. The problem is I tend to go overboard on that once. Then it'll creep up if i'm in a particularly social few weeks and i'll be drinking 3 times a week. I don't want that at all. I feel like i've slowly let myself get out of shape again and I know from when I lost all that weight, alcohol is the biggest thing that stops me from being in the shape I was in this time last year. Time to sort it out!
~ LEARN A NEW SKILL! Even if it's something little like adjusting clothes (Trust me, it'd make my lift so much easier), or learning sign language.
~ TRAVEL MORE! Andrew's working now so he should have the money to allow us to go on those lil group trips over the country we were talking about taking last year. Granted, it'll probably end up being me, Andy and Chris but that's a group in itself babay
~ DRIVE! It really is time. The money I spend in taxi's would more or less fund the fucking car anyway
~ ROCK MORE! Ok, I know I rock about as hard as Tobias Sammett and Russell Allen having sex, but it never hurts to rock a little harder AM I RITE?
~ BE SILLIER! I am a saft bastard anyway, but the best times i've had this year have been the most ridiculous. The pub quiz antics we get up to every week, the dressing like a saft prat up to go clubbing, the getting fake married to old ladies at the museum... I feel like in 2008 I finally let myself start to be as random in public as those close to me know I am. 2009 i'm going to go nuts with it. Perhaps we'll even see an appearance from CAPTAIN AWESOME :D

There's more than enough resolutions there for me to completely ignore, methinks.

...This ended up being longer than I planned.

I don't know who, if anyone still stops by here anymore. I can't promise to update this more, but I will try.
For those of you who are still checking in, hello :)
For those of you who aren't, well I can tell you all how much I hate you because you aren't reading

*Nerd air guitar*

Farewell!

Current Mood:

happy

Current Music: Ministry Of Saints - Edguy

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22 May 2008 @ 08:58 pm

My Letter Of Desperation

Finally! A cure! A chance...

A chance to be normal!

http://www.hetracil.com/index.html

As a result, I have written them a heartfelt e-mail:

' Dear Hetracil (lol did you know that Hetracil kinda sounds like heterosexual? Just a coincidence I guess),
I am in dire need of your medicines. I just cannot stop having sex with men. One, maybe two an hour I am up to now. It's out of control! In the shower, in the bath, in the garden, in the pool, in the supermarket, in the park, in the car, in HMV, in the police station and most of all, in the anus
HELP ME HETRACIL! HELP ME LOSE MY FEMININE WAYS! HELP ME LOSE THEM SO I CAN BE MANLY AND CRUSH BEERS CANS OVER MY HEAD...So that I can have sex with a wider range of men.

Yours sexual deviantly,
Mr genetic disorder

P.S. The woman in your photo is a lesbian.'

I have also written a basic idea for a TV commercial so that they can promote the good message.

It's a simple concept really. It consists of various happy families skipping down the street to cheerful music on a bright day. They pass murders, rapists, paedophiles and all sorts of silly chaps on the way, waving at them as they go. All of a sudden, the sun melts, the music takes a dramatic downturn and we see horror on the faces of the families. The camera pans to see who they are face to face with...AND IT IS A GAY...AND HE HAS MADE THEM A QUICHE!
RUN CHILDREN! RUN FOR YOUR VERY LIVES! DON'T LEAVE THE MURDERERS BEHIND EITHER!

*Fade out*

Hetracil. Because we've nothing better to do.

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09 April 2008 @ 03:06 pm

One of those lovely bi-monthly entries

Things are up n' down in different ways. I'm probably on the gloomy end of the scale today because i'm tired and I feel ill.
My Grandad died last Thursday which obviously isn't one of the better things to happen lately. He was suffering though, so at least there's that positive spin where he's not anymore *shrug*
Things with Dad have been pretty fucking dire lately. He's reverted to ultra dickhead mode, to which because of Grandad dying i've had to let go again - I must point out that it started before and not after. I just decided that life was too short not to freeze him out when he's dealing with this shit...even if he hasn't the foresight to realise that too. I'm really struggling to keep my disdain for his behaviour under wraps, to be honest. I definitely wasn't ready or willing to let it go this time, but it doesn't seem that I had much choice. I know that it's kinda selfish to be thinking of my issues right now, but i'd been stewing on them for weeks...it's not so simple to just turn emotion off when it's clearly taking its toll.

Incredibly bored of uni - But not sure what to do about it. I think I chose the wrong course, but am not sure what i'd do instead - Leaving me confused with what direction to take next. Eh, I at least took the step of getting back into education, so it's not like i've gotta start entirely from scratch if I switch.

Work's going to be pretty damn good from now until the end of the summer. I've booked in a really big chunk and if the other job comes up for August, I will be sorted money wise for a fair while. Good thing n' all, the rate i've been spending!

...Mostly on beer. Which, doesn't really seem as great as it used to. I love my alcohol induced shenanigans still, but i'm not so keen on doing it as often. Going out, especially on the scene 2 or 3 nights a week is not for me. Once a week is more than enough for me - Any more and I get insanely bored with the tediousness of it all. Same people in the same places, having the same conversations, night in and night out. It's not for me. Add to that I spend 6 out of 7 days feeling like crap when I drink too often and inevitably don't get any sleep: Hence my mood today I guess.

I'm having a really bout of paranoia and insecurity today. I really think it's got a lot to do with a lack of real sleep and because too much clubbing seems to leave my mind working on overtime. I keep thinking and feeling things i've no reason to, nor can rationally explain...n' for someone like me, it's a big pet hate. I don't like to feel anything without some sort of justification or degree of understanding. But yet, I can't seem to prevent it when i'm like this. What's worse is that what I need, I can't have...cos' i've gotta study and then go to bed early for work tomorrow.

Feel like I could burst into tears at any moment to be honest :S

I've no reason to either, so why the hell do I?

Fucking annoying.

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Current Music: I Don't Believe In Your Love - Avantasia

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28 February 2008 @ 01:35 pm

Withered Roses Dying On The Ledge! A Withered Dreamer Standing On The Edge!

I think I shall grace the land with an entry!
Mostly because I am too tired and hungover to move from this spot right now...

It's been quite some time since I updated - About 3 months I think?
Not even sure what to say as whilst I feel i've been busy constantly, i'm not sure i've done that much of note. It's funny really. When I was doing nothing whatsoever day to day I would find plenty to talk of.

Uni is fine. Got an assignment back today, which was my highest grade in 2 or 3 essays. Baffles me really, as I thought this one was utter shite. Like, the worst thing i'd ever written. So perhaps I should try and be shit more often then?
I'm thinking of changing to be honest. It's a cool enough course, but i'm not sure it's what I need to be doing - Whatever choice I make has its pitfalls and all that, but eh, what doesn't?

Seeing Andy Roo plenty which is always good. I've never met anyone quite like him. It's like he can frustrate me to a level I never thought I could be frustrated to, but i'm mostly just happy that someone can pull that level of passion out of me. Then in the same breath he gives me highs i've never felt before! I have been worried over the past few years about how cold I am becoming, but I don't think there's much danger of a lack of emotion with Andrew. He brings buckets of it out of me and I can only see it as a good thing! I've never been with someone so headstrong and opinionated either. It's really amusing in a way because in that regard we are identical I think. We'll sometimes bicker over something dumb and then realise that we were agreeing in the first place! We've got very strong and passionate opinions on just about everything, but generally prefer not to take life seriously. I like that i've got someone to share that with, because I don't think many people truly get it.

I love him very much. I knew that before we even got together, but it's nice to be able to say it as much as I like now and it's a feeling that continues to grow. I generally don't like to say stuff like this because it scares me and I worry about tempting fate, but I think we've got something really good going here. It's a nice feeling, knowing that you've got someone who can make you feel so secure and yet so excited at the same time. It's rare!

Okay, so i'm bleating on about my lovely boyfriend like one of those sickening people who post pictures of themselves kissing. I kid. I think i'd kill myself before I got to that stage :p

Oh before I stop, it's so weird now how I can't get a really good nights sleep without him there. I usually can't sleep when someone else is in the same bed, but I always really miss him when I sleep in my own bed now. I don't so much miss getting elbows in the head every few hours, as i'm sure he doesn't miss my lethal weapon of a watch. But still, it's shit when I wake up and he's not there.

...Yeah, I know. I've gone into disgusting, sickening territory now :(

Hmm what else has been going on? Not a lot really. Drinking and partying way too much again. My bank balance is all kinds of bummed and so is my body. I never realised just how much I can eat when i'm drunk either. Fucking hell I can put it away like there's no tomorrow. I thought Chris was bad with Pringles - I am starting to rival that. DAMN YOU CASPIAN :(
I think i've decided to really cut back again. I really need it and most certainly need to be strong when I say i'm not going out for a week or two. I could do with the break to be honest. It's all getting a bit samey and tiresome anyway.

The dreaded birthday soon. You know, i'm really not all that arsed about turning 25. It's just that everyone keeps saying OOOH IT'S A QUARTER OF A CENTURY...

I'LL GIVE YOU A QUARTER OF A CENTURY YOU WANKERS!
Ugh. What a big sack of poo.
Probably won't do much for it. Go out and get pissed to the point of being comatose sounds like the most likely outcome. I have a lovely bottle of Moet to get me started, so no doubt Andrew will be giving me a piggy back ride home...I can picture him reading this going 'Yeah, give me a break, he can fuck off!' :p

But yeah. I know what's going to happen. Same as last year basically.

'WAAAAAAAH I'M 25, WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE I'MAFUCKUPI'MAFAILUREEMOEMOEMOEMOOOOOO'

...Which is always fun.

I think I shall leave it there as I am hankering for some olive oil pasted bagels. Yum and Yummer!
Tatar
xxxxx

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Current Music: The Scarecrow -Avantasia

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02 January 2008 @ 05:16 pm

New Year, Old Entry

Dunno how long this entry will last before my focus goes or I have to run off to vomit again.
Really not very well. I'm not sure what's up, but i've been puking worse than that time I got pissed on neat whiskey. I have barely been able to move today and I would be in bed now, but i've an assignment to send away tomorrow and i'm only about halfway done. It's only an 800 word piece but it's rather difficult when you can barely focus - Hence my writing this, to try and get a little roll going so that I can get it done.

Had a wonderful few weeks, basically seeing Andrew every single day and loving it!
He's been in the house twice in the last week aswell, with no hissy fit. Baby steps perhaps, but it's progress. Chris was also allowed to stay over the other week too, so even if it's premature optimism, it's nice to have a degree of it. Went up to the Gale for Andrew's birthday (After a pretty tea party the night before), which was a riot! Had a bucket load of fun, even in spite of a few very pathetic and sad little men. Managed to spend too much on a budget night out, unsurprisingly!

New Years was alright, party was cool enough, but again was nice to see it in with Andrew. Didn't get drunk or anything, now there's a New Year's tradition I won't be repeating! Although you would think i'd got off my tits like last year given how rotten I am.

I've decided it's time for a new PC! This should be a laugh - I want a great TV/monitor to go with it, a great sound system and basically all the things I always wanted, but couldn't afford. So expect me to be still saving in two years time. Theoretically, I could afford one now, but I want to keep the majority for uni fees.

Ok, i'd hoped to last longer, but I must go now as i'm waning.
Tatar.

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Current Music: The sound of my own head throbbing.

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31 December 2007 @ 01:39 pm

As has become some sort of lame tradition, it's the 31st of December so it's time to do an entry.

(Do an entry XD rite rite)

2007 has been one fucking strange year. Honestly, that's got to be the best way to describe it.
I don't want to do too much dwelling, because i've done enough of it...but it's safe to say the first half of the year was pretty bad, with me in a pretty bad way. I certainly can't say i'll look back to that period with any real affection, but everyone knows all about that so I shall move on...

Even out of that came some fantastic things, like strengthened friendships. I think that I have, but I certainly hope i've taken the time to tell all of them how important they are to me.

I'm quite positive in a lot of ways, as i've taken some real steps that I hadn't before. The impatient fucker in me continues to beat myself up about certain things I do or don't have. But having finally started a degree, having a new job and adding to my projects with Fizzog...I should be taking some heart (Even if some steps are ones that I should've taken before now!). There's more direction in my life now than there has been in years, so in that respect 2007 has been very good.

I stopped being a porker too, which was especially lovely :p

It felt like the middle of 2007 was such a confusing time. Not knowing what I wanted and then when I did, it being a great deal more complicated than i'd hoped - Then, what isn't complicated? Honestly, if I were to be positive here, it would be that I took things in my stride and didn't have a constant headache!

Meeting Andrew has been massive for me as in both being a friend and now a partner, he's helped me in ways he probably doesn't even understand. I had begun sliding back towards that place where I didn't much care for myself and knowing how dangerous that was makes me grateful to have had someone around me who pulled me back (Obviously, my other friends helped!). We've had a weird old time of it, with our timing being really shit sometimes, but in the end we got there and that's what that matters. Besides, having been friends for a time has given us a better footing to start off on than we would've had otherwise. He makes me really happy :)

...N' that's a big part of why the tail end has been so good!

Lots of ups n' downs really and i've just focused on a couple. I'm not much in the mood for looking back today. As with most positive feeling, I want to look forward. Ups n' downs will be there every year, but a good chunk of what determines how good the next year will be depends on your ability to see through the shit. The bigger picture and all that.
I had hoped to write more really, but i'm still half asleep and monged up from Saturday, so I may have to just leave it there.

2008 is going to be awesome
As your 2008 elected official of awesomeness, I intend to make it so. So with that in mind, there's no way it won't rawk ;)

Happy New Year arsenuts.

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25 December 2007 @ 01:28 pm

Merry Christmas, fucknuts

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11 December 2007 @ 06:01 pm

It Was You Who Took My Hand, Showed Me To The Promised Laaaaaand

G'day
I'm having to watch a horrendously dull DVD for uni, so what better time to write an entry? It's all about validating historical sources this week and I just can't be bollocksed with it all.
It's terrible really, because I have a DVD a week to watch and they only last 25 minutes...but I can't remember a single time I paid attention in it. It's like the presenters always have something about them like MASSIVE glasses, off centre facial hair or amusing speech impediments. How they expect you to ignore these is beyond me.

Got my first assignment returned to me and WOOO! After being told above 70% is a rarity on this years course, I got me a cooooooool 85% - Pretty chuffed as you can imagine!
Waiting on the second now which I don't think has gone as well, but eh what can ya do - I was very behind in my reading, so it was a rush job. Naturally i'm behind in my reading again because, like, I have Avantasia to listen to and Boston Legal to watch. Priorities and all that!

QUEENSRYCHE AND SYMPHONY X TICKETS!! - Oh yes, next years gig list is going to be fantastic, I can feel it in my bones. These two would be enough, but now it's fingers crossed for Edguy too.

Things with Andrew are lovely. There's a danger when you've wanted something for so long that it won't live up to its promise, but i've got to say that really is not the case here. I get to see him loads aswell. I have been seeing him basically 5 or 6 days a week, believe it or not (although this week will be quite different in that respect).
I'm quite excited too as i'm getting to see him on Christmas day! I've never been able to spend time with a boyfriend at Christmas before so that'll be really nice. It's nice to have at least a flicker of hyperness towards Christmas, seeings as usually the highlight is getting hammered and watching Gremlins (Not that I don't love doing that, heh)

Went to visit his mum after the operation yesterday, which has all gone well. There was a bit of a drama as to who was going to be able to go visit, but i'm so glad he got to see her in the end. Should even be home today if all has gone well which is fantastic all things considered!

God, I am so broke it's unreal. I would be okay if I didn't have such a money heavy week this week, or if I could get one or two of my cheques that i'm owed (Waiting on quite a bit of money!). But until then i'm scraping again and I hate it! How the hell I used to do this all year round, i'll never know!

Suppose that's why it's a good thing Chris and I have been jokingly thinking of making some t-shirts or our own. Mr Belligerant Drunk, anyone?
Yes, I am gay enough to make my own clothes! Fuck you! Beer bottle top belt next ;)

I've been up to loads lately, but for some reason when I try to recall any of it...blankness. Alcohol induced haze?
Heh I got VERY twatted last Saturday. I don't so much mind getting twatted often now because i'm active n' stuff. I've stopped my pizza and beerathons (Like 3 or 4 months now! GASP)...which I guess is why i've started to get so thin. I'm actually the thinnest i've been since 2001 now! Just have to be careful come Christmas I suppose.

Meh, i'm bored now. I shall go do some weights, have a bath, watch some Boston Legal in bed and utterly ignore the fact that I have about 90 pages of study to do...

...BABAYi

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19 November 2007 @ 09:16 pm

How Could I Know? That I'd Get Lost In Space To Roam Forever

It occurred to me that I hadn't bothered doing this yet again.

Preparing for Christmas at the moment, which is probably a good thing, as i'd not prepared myself for how much i'm going to have to spend this time around. It's a good job I actually have money now, or i'd be hermitised for a long time!

So, what's been going on? Well the obvious thing is that Andrew and I are now together!
It's been a funny old situation really. Perhaps it should've happened earlier, but there's no point dwelling on why we didn't get there faster. I kind of felt like it was inevitable, even when I was trying to convince myself it wouldn't. We both saw and felt it, but for various reasons it couldn't happen until it has.
But t'is all good, it's been strange going from friends to boyfriends. In a way it's probably been better as we've gotten to know each other before we started going out. Like, before we became boyfriends we were good friends and were already close before we made the transition. I kind of feared that in doing that we'd miss out on the lovely butterflies stage, but no, not at all!

Most of my mates have met him and given him the thumbs up. Well, in Chris' case he picked him up like a rag doll...which I am assured is a sign of genuine affection :)

So yes, i'm a happy bunny! I've got what I wanted and it's even better than I thought. Hooray and whatnot

But yes, i'll steer away from that now before I make everyone sick with my giddyness

What next? Oh yes....AVANTASIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
God, it's so good! Gotta love Tobias Sammet. Takes a super group known for epic power metal and then plonks an Abba cover on there! It's a fucking good 'un too

Had such a fantastic time with Liam when he came down, although it's a bit shit not seeing him for a while again. I'd started getting used to seeing him and off he is again. Oh well, hopefully i'll see him again before Christmas for warm cherry antics. By antics I of course mean beer.

It's been busy as hell being me lately which is so strange. If i'm not studying, i'm acting, if i'm not acting i'm working with AQA (new job, did I type about that before? Well, if not WOO NEW JOB) and if i'm not doing any of those i'm either with Andrew or on the piss...well come on, was the last thing ever going to be left out? ;)

Uni is going okay - Found the first assignment a bit of a pest and am a bit concerned as to how it turned out, but eh, what's done is done now - Gotta get moving on the next bit!

Got a new play with Fizzog which is awesome. Nice challenge too...have to put on an American accent like T-Bag from Prison Break and everything! Oh well, at least I get to wear a white suit 4 sizes too big for me :p

Seeing Within Temptation and Bev Knight next week! Both should be fun! It'll be nice to see Jamie again too for the latter.
Tried to get Boyzone tickets today and ticketmaster FUCKED ME OVER. SO not happy about that - Got Row A, seats 1-2 and then A FUCKING ERROR MESSAGE when I submit the order. Then i'm told for 5 minutes there's no tickets and when I finally get back in there's only nose bleeds left. You can imagine the colour of the air at 9:05 this morning...

...Bluer than Cookie monster watching a blue movie in a blue top hat.

Seriously. Ugh. Not happy.

Ummm what else? I don't know. This week is quite a calm one really, so i'm going to get a bit of study done and xmas shop before next week which i'm calling Fuckedandtiredfest 2007

Okay, not the most creative of names but i'm fried and you get the point.

Right, I need a shower because, well, ew.
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25 October 2007 @ 01:01 pm

Av-an-tazzeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Giddy Dave! :)
I have had my first assignment returned and it's probably the best gift I could've received today. I'm trying to get my head around the next assignment which is split into 4 parts, some interesting and some not so. But, but, but! My first assignment was 'excellent' and 'A grade quality', so I am feeling rather hyper!
I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't mean all that much, but when you consider my fear of getting back into education and being completely overwhelmed; This is exactly what I needed to calm my nerves and go forward without a massive stress fit every time I start studying.

Oh and there's the fact that i'm listening to new Avantasia - I've never worn a song out so much and still been as bouncy when listening to it. I fucking love Tobias Sammet, I really do.

We will be married, oh yes. We will be married.

My head is going to EXPLODE. I keep remembering another thing I have to do before next week is out. It's nice being a busy bunny but i'm starting to think I should get a nerd planner!
I have got a SHIP next week aswell, but I don't know what version we're doing. Is it the new one? The one we did for the DVD? The old one? Who knows? Not me that's for sure...

Also, also, also TONY FUCKING ALMEIDA. I need say no more...but I will! He may not be in robot form BUT HE'S BACK. Honestly, when I saw the trailer I think I peed a little.

Okay, I know I did and it wasn't a little, I GUSHED.

...Ew.

I'm in one of those 90 mile an hour moods today and i've not even touched the coffee jar yet. Hyperness and business don't appear to be a good mix! I keep going off on a different tangent and i'll be reading a Sonnet one moment and rocking out the next...n' that's the tame version of what i'm like today.

Things are feeling a lot better now than they have been. There's a certain degree of clarity that has swept my eye line; Even in situations where i'm still searching for resolution, i'm less bogged down in it. So there's that at least.

I am off out ON THE PISS this good eve with Andrewness which is always a laugh. Although with how overspent I am, I should probably be careful - I say this, but you know...you'd think i'd just been introduced to myself. It's akin to 'I'm not drinking tonight' or 'No more Play.com for a while!'. A bit like when Pete says he's going to do some writing AM I RITE?
Oooh, I actually wrote a scene the other day which shocked me - More in that it was so good after my horrendous writers block than anything else. Whilst it needs some cleaning up, I think it's one of the stronger ones i've done recently. Good theme, strong flow, CAT JOKES...I give it TWO THUMBS AND A SEMI ERECT PENIS UP

I have a few Halloween thingys to go to in the next week or so and I want to dress up, but have no idea what as. See, this is the perfect time to buy a leather coat and rockin' boots so I could claim I NEEDED them to go as Spike :)

N' Liam of Willyness is down next week which I am so excited about! So looking forward to seeing him, it's been way too long. Well it's not been years or anything I guess, but it's been a lot longer than usual and we've both gone through so much in the past few months without being able to physically be there for each other. Not that he hasn't been absolutely brilliant regardless. When I split from Jamie one of the things I hated was knowing I wouldn't be waking up to text message off him anymore as i'd become accustomed to; But instead I started waking up to a cheery Liam message, which made such a difference. It's weird having one of the people you turn to most live the furthest away. It sucks, but it's kinda nice in a way that distance doesn't necessarily make someone less close to you. Okay i'm being soppy now and i'll get TOLD for it, so moving on...

Speaking of seeing people you've not seen for a while, I think i'm meeting up with James on Saturday! We worked out it's nearly 2 years since we last saw each other; How bad is that! Oh well, it'll be nice to see him if it happens

So yes, happy happy Dave today.
I must away now as I have my researcher induction thingy in a few.

Dave... doing stuff.

Who am I?

...

No, seriously.

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16 October 2007 @ 11:50 am

Been a while, for sure.
I've been keeping a private diary for the time in quite a while. My life has been pretty eventful recently, brain meltingly so at times. Things have been so confusing and writing about them in public forum would simply serve to confuse them further...or just see me censor myself and in which case, what's the point in writing an entry at all?

I'm actually doing this at the moment because I have an assignment to finish and other work to get cracking on. I figure that putting myself in the mood by writing something I feel happy to do first will be a smart move.

Either that or i'll get bored in the course of writing this and then do nothing the rest of the day.

Heh, nah I can't afford to do that as i've a tutorial tomorrow and don't want to look utterly unprepared. It just doesn't help that the very first thing I need to do/analyse does NOT inspire me in the slightest. Oh well, maybe it's for the best in a way as if it came after something riveting I would be more likely to put it off.

Things have been SO all over the place I wouldn't even know where to begin. Things have been so fucking volatile and messy that i've wanted to curl up and cry sometimes. It's not as if I haven't played my part in getting into this mess. But that's me all over isn't it? Yeaaaaaah I can handle that, i'm fine!
...So confident in my state of mind in recent years that i'm perfectly happy to put it to the test. That wouldn't be a problem really, but there's one thing you never stop to think about. Life. It throws curveballs and when you are embracing one complication it just loves throwing a few more your way. My response? Yeaaaaaaah I can handle that, i'm fine!

There always comes a point where you step back and think, 'Fucking hell what's going on'. I have been taking things as they come and to be fair, handling stuff quite well in all situations i've been in. But I stopped the other day and took the time to discuss all of the situations in one go. Like a recap, I guess. I swear, it was like everything hit me at once and I seriously wanted to just cry.

Perhaps i'm being a tad over dramatic? Perhaps i'm not? I genuinely have no idea, hehe. Other people seem to think i'm not being so, I shan't argue!

I realise this is all very vague, but that's the safest to go with for sanity's sake ;)

What else is happening? Been touring with SHIP to a whole new audience...teenagers! You know what, I can't complain because on the whole they have been fantastic. I was expecting such attitude and crap from them, but i've been pleasantly surprised. I'd be happy to double the length of the tour to be honest and hope more bookings come in as a result. It was only a test run, after all.

Ill! It was bound to happen given that Em had a chest infection, Nitu had a cold and my Dad had the flu - I was obviously going to get ill! Plus with how i've been burning the candle at both ends it wasn't surprising i'd be run down enough to get sick. RARRRRR BAD TIMING

Right, i'm procrastinating now. I have fuck bucket loads of things I need to get through so i'm off!
'Til next time *tips fancy hat*
xxxxx

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14 September 2007 @ 08:24 pm

I SAID UGH

Got talked into going to Wolvo at the last minute by Andrew. Not that my arm has to be twisted all that much...

Shots and lager...if you know me, you know what happens.

Utter mess man. I remember being in the Queens Arms and being utterly confused by the mirrored walls as I searched for the door outside...which just happened to be the one I walked in 5 seconds before. I remember NOTHING of getting home or how we managed to be out 'til half 5.
Was Andrew sick? I think I can remember that.

It was a mistake going to the Queens Arms methinks - We were both fucking smashed before we left the Greyhound. So naturally the answer IS TO DRINK MORE WOO :|

I never learn though. I know that if I have shots as soon as the air hits me i'm bollocksed and I know if I do them with lager it leads to terrible messy Dave...yet still I insist! Gotta love perseverance, even when mind numbingly dumb.

I have been burning the candle at both ends lately and jesus, you can tell. My skin has gone to shit and my eyes are just massive bags - I really need to slow down in that way. I've been healthy lately, n' when I get like this I always end up ill. N' I stay ill for AGES, so I need to sort myself out. I'm not feeling very confident in how I look as it is, I could do without giving myself just reason to be down on myself. I can't afford to be depressive right now, way too much going on in my life.
Plus I am absolutely raping what money I do have. I'm going to be mega broke soon - I'm hoping to see sense and stay in tomorrow night.

No Fitlads party with JP (Ugh, slimey much?), no DV8 with Chris and no Planet with Andrew.

Of course, 6 will hit tomorrow and i'll change my mind. Nah, I am really close to being pennyless at the moment. I hate not knowing when i'm going to get paid cos' it could be anytime. Suppose that's just what you have to deal with in my line of work.

Ack I shouldn't bitch, i've been having a shitload of fun lately. Sometimes you meet people at just the right time (although some timings have been very off) and they are just what you need. Andrew has been that I think. He's a very cool fellow and I love how close we've gotten so quickly. It's funny how things just happen like that. Like how Chris has become one of my best mates out of nowhere - Sort of like when you just find yourself talking to someone more often and about more things as time goes by and then you realise how good of a mate you have. The best friendships happen that way I suppose. They do for me anyway.
I don't force things anymore. I think that's something people do when they're teenagers (Some after). I know I did quite a bit and ended up in some right messes as a result. When you sit back and let stuff happen naturally you get a lot further. I like looking at things like that, makes me forget my splitting headache and utter roughness.

...DAMNIT

Starting my degree to look forward to at least. It's looking rather interesting and varied which is cool of the ness.

I started writing another diary like I used to when I needed to get some stuff out and couldn't talk about it here. I don't know why really because i'm happy to say this stuff to peoples faces if asked. I just know that the people i've been writing about read this and i'd rather not risk causing any bother. I'm trying very hard to keep things as simple and mess free as possible - Never was too good at that, so we'll see how that works out!

Life is either too boring or a bit too complicated. It's never just in the middle. I wonder why that is?

Bit vague, but i'm fine with that. Don't care if anyone else isn't :p

Going to shower and begin appearance rehab.

Fun.

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07 September 2007 @ 07:25 am

FUCK YOU SPIDERS, I HATE YOU ALL

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06 September 2007 @ 11:19 am

15 Miles To The...

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE SHAAAAAAAAAAAACK

I have rediscovered the brilliance of the song! I will now run it into the ground until I can't fucking stand it!

I am soooo tired. I've had a rather busy week all in all.

Lets seeeeee. Since the last entry - That felt so 'Previously on Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Spike called Angel a poof and Dave laughed heartily'

I had work on Wednesday and Thursday, my last 'official' days. Wednesday sucked really, so I dragged Andrew out for a few drinks...which naturally turned into getting drunk, then going back to Andres for another and staying out until 4am. Wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have to be up at 7am for work!
So I went into work still hammered off my tits. N' you know how it is, when you try and pretend to be sober you just look even more drunk! I think I got away with it okay, but I shall never do that again. I was falling asleep most of the day and must've stank of alcohol. Although i'm sure Toyah Wilcox (Who was there filming something - With me in the background staggering up the street) appreciated it :p

Went out with Andrew Thursday night aswell, then had to be up Friday to head back to the museum once more to see the big wedding! It was so bloody funny, from Jacky on the horse to the 'STOP THE WEDDING!' bit. Went out again on Friday, this time with the Fizzogs to celebrate a successful time!
I feel a lot better about what I did there after i've heard some of the things that've been said about me. Obviously the real judgement lies with Fizzog and what they feel, but even if they hated what I did there, I can at least take some heart in what others have felt about it.

Saturday I had a lovely day of rest...Basically I couldn't cope with anything heh. It was my day off from alcohol and a needed one!
Sunday I went to a party at Andrews friend Olivias and I tell you, I have had such a fantastic time! Everyone's really nice and made me feel right at home which was very cool. A lot of times I would've felt uncomfortable in that situation and been really quiet, but it took them 10 minutes to get me trying on high heel shoes and about an hour to start hugging everyone :p
Cow me though, was I drunk or was I drunk. I don't feel so bad about it because everyone else was as bad...although there are photos of me in a dress!

...I rather think it suits me actually. I'm sure you'll all see the pictures floating about, I have no shame :)

We all lay outside at like 4am staring at the stars when it occured to me: In 24 years I have NEVER done it. How awful is that! Especially when it's such a gorgeous thing to do.
I only came back last night as I stayed over on Monday n' Tuesday aswell. I've loved every minute of it - To be fair, this has been as close to a holiday as i've gotten or will get this year.

The really weird thing is I slept so amazingly well on Tuesday night (I NEVER sleep around other people) that when I tried sleeping in my own bed last night I couldn't! Not very well, anyway.

I have drank 5 out of 7 days. That's one of my worst ever I think, so at least a week off the booze is in order methinks. I feel like death. Death when he's hungover and tired. With bruises.

Feeling rather cheerful today methinks. I tend not to rely on other people for making me feel good about myself, but there's quite a few things that've done that the past few days. So instead of rejecting them, I will ride the nice feeling and be all grinny :)

LOVE SHACK BAAAAAAAAYYYYYBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

This an odd entry. I planned to write about feelings n' stuff, but Love Shack has drained them all from me. It is like a catchy robot from the future.

...How cool would one of those be.

God, i'm such a nerd.

I love it!

Methinks I shall away now.
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